Mommy Dearest and Autism

I listen to other mothers talk about their autistic children and wonder what it was like for my mother. I don\’t think she ever really bonded with me as she did with my brothers and sister. I was different from my siblings and she knew it. She often said I was like my father. I thought it was a scorn of divorce but really it was autism. She also said I was a follower and had no mind of my own with my friends. I know what that means now. I\’ve always been gullible and easily manipulated.

My mother would have realized I was different because I didn\’t have eye contact. It wasn\’t until after I was in college when my teacher told me eye contact was important and I needed to work on it, which I did. Knowing this I realize that it must have been strange for my mother to bond with the baby who didn\’t have the same eye contact or charisma connection as my siblings. I was the youngest of four children.

I never truly felt that I bonded with my mother and always felt somewhat of an outcast in the family. After my parents got divorced it was evident my mother didn\’t want much to do with me and I was just an obligation and a nuisance she had to deal with. She had to go back to work so I had to go somewhere after school at 9 years old until she got out of work at 5:00 p.m. For about a year I spent a few months with this friend, a few with that friend, a few months with my mother\’s friend. Eventually at 10 years old I became a latchkey kid and let myself in when I got home from school. By 12 years old I was full on butchering a chicken and putting it in the oven with Italian dressing, making rice and a vegetable.

Shortly after divorce my mother dated a restaurant bar manager. She spent weekends hanging out and left me home alone. My brother got a job as a valet, my sister got a job as a hat check girl, mom hung at the bar and I was left alone until 3 or 4 am all weekend every weekend for a couple years. No one cared. I never spoke up. I was taught not to speak up. My mother came from the era of parenting where spanking was used for punishment.

My mother\’s philosophy was to do as you\’re told, do not speak until you\’re spoken to, and don\’t question authority. Being autistic makes me say \’why\’ a thousand times a day. Part of logic and reasoning is asking why. Why can\’t I go to the party? Why can\’t I go to my school outing? Why do I have to stay home? It was my core to know the reason or I didn\’t learn or understand the rationale. This challenged my mother regularly, made her feel I was challenging authority when I was just trying to make sense. It infuriated her. She didn\’t understand me.

At the same time I was frustrating my mother, starting around 3 or 4 years old I was reading books. It took a while for her to discover I memorized all the books. Regardless of how I got there, I learned to read early and was allowed to start kindergarten at 4 years old. I might have been intelligent and have shown signs of talents in certain areas regarding the brain, but I had zero social intelligence. Also, I later found out I have auditory processing issues and cannot learn well in a classroom setting. I learn visually. So I would take very good notes, do the assignment, read the book, and teach myself at home every night. It was 10 times harder learning that way then the neurotypical person would learn. Which was another thing my mother often said, \” you like to learn things the hard way.\”